Likeability is Overrated Why real leadership makes people uncomfortable - and why that’s the point
‘She’s a B***h.’ ‘He’s an A***hole.’
I witness this kind of name calling a lot, I also get called a b**ch a lot. Not to my face, obviously. It usually arrives dressed up as something more socially acceptable.
“Intimidating.”
“Very direct.”
“Strong personality.”
But we all know what’s really being said, and let’s be clear from the start, this isn’t just a women’s issue, men get labelled too.
“Ruthless.”
“Intense.”
“He’s not very likeable.”
Same behaviour. Same discomfort. Different words.
The real question isn’t whether someone actually is those things, it’s this:
Are they intimidating - or are YOU just intimidated?
Because those two things are not the same. Here’s what I’ve learned running multiple businesses, leading teams, and making decisions that actually matter.
You Cannot Be Likeable and An Effective Leader
When real outcomes are on the line, leadership isn’t about being warm, It’s about being effective. And effectiveness requires things people don’t enjoy:
Making decisions with incomplete information
Calling out what others are trying to hide
Challenging delivery when mediocrity has become comfortable
Saying “this isn’t good enough” and meaning it
That doesn’t make someone cruel, it makes them accountable.
What rarely gets acknowledged - conveniently - is fairness. Because the people being labelled a ‘b***h’ or an ‘a***hole’ are often the fairest in the room.
They don’t humiliate, they don’t move goalposts and they don’t play favourites. But they also don’t sugar-coat reality to protect egos.
And for a certain type of person, that’s unbearable.
Intimidation Is a Feeling, Not a Fact
Some people would rather be comforted than coached. They’d rather be liked than led. And they’d rather call you intimidating than admit they’re uncomfortable being seen.
Because intimidating behaviour isn’t aggressive, unpredictable, or demeaning. And if someone feels intimidated, that is their internal response.
One is behaviour - the other is perception. And 99% of the time, when someone says, ‘she’s a b***h’ or ‘he’s an a***hole,’ what they actually mean is:
‘You make me uncomfortable because you’re clear, decisive, and not managing my feelings.’
That’s not a character assessment; that’s a confidence gap. There is also double standards, and pretending otherwise is dishonest.
When a man is direct, he’s decisive.
When a woman is direct, she’s difficult.
When a man holds the line, he’s strong.
When a woman does it, she’s cold.
Same leadership. Different label.
But the part people don’t like is when something isn’t solved by softening. For years, I tried that. I explained myself. I questioned whether I was “too much.” I wondered if I should round the edges off.
The answer wasn’t to be nicer; the answer was to stop apologising for being capable. Because leadership isn’t about making everyone comfortable, it’s about moving things forward.
If being a b***h means you don’t dilute the truth, you don’t pretend performance is optional, and you won’t carry other people’s insecurity for them… then yes, I guess you are.
And if a man does the same and gets called an a***hole? Good.
At least we’re finally describing leadership honestly. Let’s stop pretending leadership is neat, tidy, or universally likeable.
We want to discuss leadership as it shows up, under pressure, in meetings, and when people test your patience.
The Leadership Test
Below is a Leadership test - a fast, brutally honest multiple-choice test for business owners who lead from the front.
No Googling. No asking your business partner. No cheating.
Your first instinct is the right one, the second is your ego getting involved.
Answer quickly. Don’t overthink it. Choose what feels most like you on a normal day, not who you’d like to be on your best behaviour.
Write down your letters as you go. At the end, you’ll uncover the leadership style you’re actually operating - the strengths, the blind spots, and why people respond to you the way they do.
1️⃣ Someone misses a deadline. Again. You:
A. Check in gently and extend it.
B. Reset expectations — politely.
C. Reset expectations and name consequences.
D. Say, “This can’t happen again. Fix it.”
2️⃣ In a meeting, someone avoids the question. You:
A. Let it slide.
B. Circle back later.
C. Interrupt and refocus.
D. Say, “Answer the question.”
3️⃣ You spot an issue everyone’s avoiding. You:
A. Hope it resolves itself.
B. Mention it quietly.
C. Raise it clearly.
D. Raise it, solve it, assign it.
4️⃣ Someone says you’re intimidating. You think:
A. “Oh no — what did I do?”
B. “Maybe I should soften.”
C. “Interesting.”
D. “That sounds like a you problem.”
5️⃣ Decision needed. Info incomplete. You:
A. Delay.
B. Ask for more data.
C. Decide and adapt.
D. Decide and own it.
6️⃣ Likeable but underperforming team member. You:
A. Focus on potential.
B. Give another chance.
C. Have the conversation.
D. Change the setup.
7️⃣ Your leadership style is best described as:
A. Harmony-first.
B. Fair and collaborative.
C. Direct and calm.
D. Results-led and decisive.
Your Leadership Reputation Score!
Mostly A’s
· People-Pleaser in Recovery
· Heart in the right place. Boundaries still loading.
Mostly B’s
· Balanced Operator
· Fair, capable, respected - just don’t mute yourself when it matters.
Mostly C’s
· Certified Professional B***h / A***hole
· Clear. Calm. Effective. Leadership without drama.
Mostly D’s
· Elite-Level B***h / A***hole (Founder Energy)
· Decisive. Unapologetic. Built for responsibility. Businesses move because of you.
If D-Level Leaders Intimidate You
If people who score mostly D make you uncomfortable, that’s not a moral failing, but it is feedback.
Ask yourself:
Do I avoid accountability?
Do I confuse clarity with criticism?
Do I expect reassurance before responsibility?
Do I rely on ambiguity to stay safe?
D-level leaders aren’t trying to dominate you, they’re trying to remove friction. If that rattles you, the work isn’t for them to soften, it’s for you to strengthen.
And If You’re Becoming One…
If you’re moving from A to B, from B to C, from C to D, listen carefully:
You’re not getting colder.
You’re getting clearer.
You’re not losing empathy.
You’re learning boundaries.
You’re not becoming difficult.
You’re becoming decisive.
Some people will fall away.
That’s not failure, that’s alignment.
Leadership isn’t about being liked by everyone.
It’s about being respected by the right people.
Final Word
‘She’s a B***h’ or ‘he’s an A***hole’ are often code for the same thing: You won’t play small so I can stay comfortable.
But leadership was never meant to be comfortable, it was meant to be effective.
So post your score.
Own it. Laugh about it. Grow into it.
Because some of us weren’t put here to be palatable, we were put here to lead.
Hashtag the letter (A-B-C-D)-LEVEL-LEADER and post to your story or comment tagging me @hayley_talks_property247 and Blue bricks – lets flood social media with Leaders owning their style.
